~By Dilip Bobb

After Swachh Bharat and potty training, the most progressive initiative taken by the Modi government is the crackdown on VIP culture. It starts with a ban on red beacons which has led to our pampered and status-mad politicians getting the blues. Here’s how the red light area, minus the red light, is faring.

VVIP’s wife: What is that shiny new item in our display cabinet? It looks familiar…

VVIP: It’s the red beacon that used to be flashing on top of our car. The PM has asked us to remove it but I put it there so anyone who comes to visit knows I am still in the cabinet.

Wife (angrily): What about me? How can I go to my kitty party without the red beacon? It will be like committing Hara Kiri, or Lal Kiri now. My life is ruined. My friends, the family, the shopkeepers and five star hotels, they will treat me like everyone else.

VVIP: You are an EPI.

Wife: Is that a new VIP sticker for the car?

VVIP: It’s another Modiism. It means Every Person is Important.

Wife: Hey Ram! What is to become of us? Why can’t it be Status Quo?

VVIP: It is Status Go instead. What is that shrieking noise?

Wife: That’s not me. It’s our son playing with a siren.

VVIP: Even that has been banned. How will anyone know that I am a VVIP if there’s no noise to announce my arrival?

Wife: Is it because of that Sonu Nigam? I hate his music… How can there be a society without a screamy layer?

Son: Father, they have removed the revolving red light from the car and given me the siren to play with. How can I go to school without them? It was the only way I could keep up with the Mercs and BMWs. My life is ruined at such a young age. I can’t drive a car since I’m underage and no longer a VIP’s son, I used to get extra marks at school because I said you would get a central minister to come for their annual day function. I can’t bully my classmates… 

VVIP: We have to get used to the fact that we are no longer in the red light area. It’s made us impotent.

Wife (wailing): What about catching flights? We can’t arrive deliberately late? Or jump the queue? Or scream at the Air India staff? This is the end of the world.

VVIP: What about me? People will forget to invite me for inaugurations, put my name on the plaque, hand me all that swag and give jobs to all my relatives back in my village. I tell you, that red beacon and siren put the fear of God into everyone. I could jump red lights without anyone daring to stop me. I need a restorative. Ramu!

(No response)

VVIP: Where is that fool? He always jumps when I call.

Ramu (ambles in): I heard my name being mentioned.

VVIP: Your name? You idiot, when I call, you come running. You are a servant.

Ramu: If you remember, Narendra Modi had said he is the prime servant of India. He also said that every Indian is a VIP. And now has made me an EPI.

It means…

VVIP: For me, it means Extra Privileges Invalidated. I am afraid to step out of the house. Imagine if someone I know sees me sitting in traffic like the Aam Aadmi. What will they think? It’s like the emperor without his clothes.

Wife: You are turning as red as the beacon.

VVIP: I am starting to feel faint, the pulse is pounding. Call for an ambulance.

Wife: Are you sure?

VVIP: Yes, it must be VIP Withdrawal Symptoms, quite serious, I’m told. 

Wife: We can use the car, it will be faster.

VVIP: I just want to hear the siren and see the flashing lights again. I miss them already.