By Dilip Bobb

Hailing a CAB is now the default position for supporters of the ruling party. Much blood, sweat and tears went into its making and much the same is being seen after its official debut. It is all the work of a secret group called CAT (Constitution Amendment Team) operating out of a safe house in Khan Market. Their job is to bell the constitutional cat. Thanks to a leaky faucet, their future plans have become available to a select few. Here’s what’s coming.

• The Constitution of India would no longer be titled as such, as has been the case for the last 69 years. The nomenclature given by Nehru, Ambedkar and Co, the so-called Founding Fathers, is considered outdated and Nehru has been reduced to a non-citizen by the rewriting of history. Instead, it will now be called The Holy Book, as it was described by the Prime Minister in parliament. What that means for holy books revered by Sikhs, Christians, Jains and Parsees will be announced in a later amendment.
• The Preamble to the Constitution of India (now renamed Holy Book) will change and will read as thus: “We the people will no longer demand freedom, equality and especially fraternity till after the National Register of Citizens and the Citizen’s (Amendment) Bill is implemented across the country.”
• Article 47 of the Holy Book states that it is the duty of the state to guarantee the right to food and raise the level of nutrition. This will be amended to remove onions from the definition of food, even though it will bring tears to the eyes of many of India’s starving millions. To compensate, they will each be given a copy of Nirmala Sitharaman’s cookbook, Cooking Without Onions, which will be declared the official handbook of the Nutritional Department in the Ministry of Health.
• Amendment to Section 8 of the Constitution which gives the government the right to coin or to print their own money. The framers clearly intended a national monetary system based on coin. However, with the price of onions almost double the rupee exchange rate of the US dollar, British Pound and the Euro, onions can be used as official currency in special circumstances.
• Amendment to Articles 157 and 158 of the Constitution on the role of Governors will now read: Governors will be on call 24 hours a day. While the rest of the world sleeps, they shall awake to a midnight knock to append their signature to any documents delivered by speed post.
• The Tenth Schedule of the Constitution will be amended to read that horse trading will be registered as a legitimate pursuit since it is in operation during every election, state or general, without any legal or political challenge. The principle of horses for courses (called Aaya Ram, Gaya Ram) will apply with regressive effect.
• As a corollary to Article 74(1) of the Constitution, which deals with the Council of Ministers, a new amendment will be in force to include a new ministerial post: the Ministry of Homecoming. This will be extended to the states as well where Ghar Wapsi (candidates switching parties) is an established pre-election practice.
• The Forty-second Amendment to the Constitution of India enacted in 1976 which inserted the word “secularism,” as in “India is a secular nation”, will be further amended. The offending phrase will be removed as it is seen as an outdated concept only used by intellectuals, liberals, JNU students, and Rahul and Priyanka Gandhi.
• The Overseas Citizenship of India (OCI) scheme was introduced by amending The Citizenship Act, 1955, in August 2005 which was further amended by the Citizenship (Amendment) Acts of 1986, 1992, 2003, 2005, and 2011 when the Person of Indian Origin (PIO) card was launched. Another amendment is proposed by CAT as an addendum to CAB, which will put the onus on all PIO card holders to prove their loyalty by refraining from writing any article in foreign publications that are critical of India that is Bharat.
• Amendment to the Constitution which declared the formation of the Indian Republic on January 15, celebrated since as Republic Day. The amendment will mean that from the day it is passed in parliament, Republic Day will be celebrated on May 6, the day Arnab Goswami’s Republic TV was launched.
• Amendment to the Banking Companies (Acquisition and Transfer of Undertakings) Ordinance, 1969, nationalising large commercial banks which accounted for 85 percent of bank deposits in the country. The proposed amendment will denationalise the banks since it is now clear that behind every successful businessman is a nationalised bank.