{"id":34393,"date":"2017-09-02T14:27:23","date_gmt":"2017-09-02T08:57:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.indialegallive.com\/?p=34393"},"modified":"2017-10-16T14:15:24","modified_gmt":"2017-10-16T08:45:24","slug":"the-guru-cool-is-in-fashion-and-in-sync-with-the-times","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.indialegallive.com\/satire-articles\/the-guru-cool-is-in-fashion-and-in-sync-with-the-times\/","title":{"rendered":"The Teachings of Guru-Cool"},"content":{"rendered":"
\u00a0 <\/strong><\/p>\n By Dilip Bobb<\/strong><\/p>\n The traditional Gurukul is seen as being past its sell by date. It\u2019s now Guru-Cool that\u2019s in fashion, where religious teachings are more in keeping with modern times and today\u2019s needs and desires. Haryana, being such a progressive state, is where these new Guru-Cools are coming up but it\u2019s not easy to get in. There are strict screening procedures and tough Q&A sessions.<\/p>\n Here\u2019s a sample of the admission norms for the Guru-Cool which produces certified, authentic Godmen.<\/p>\n Questioner:<\/strong> What is your name?<\/p>\n Applicant:<\/strong> Ashok Kumar<\/p>\n Questioner:<\/strong> No, no, you need to have a modern, secular name to attract maximum followers. I suggest something like Mika Zayan Sonu Steven Singh, has a lovely exotic ring. Talking about rings, why are you looking so drab, in that saffron kurta and chappals? To be a successful Godman you need to look the part. Some flashy diamond rings, gold chains around your neck, crystal embedded outfits, bright red shoes, sequined hats, gold encrusted glares. Guru-Cool, do you get it? By the way, do you have any divine powers?<\/p>\n Applicant:<\/strong> Not yet, that\u2019s why I have come to you. The only divine power I have is that money disappears very fast.<\/p>\n Questioner:<\/strong> You need to work on that. Making money and then making it disappear into a place where the IT department cannot find it is a key attribute. How are your political connections?<\/p>\n Applicant:<\/strong> My brother-in-law once attended an election rally held by Amit Shah\u2026<\/p>\n Questioner:<\/strong> Remember the Three Ps, Politics, Patronage and Patriotism, the Three Cardinal Rules of being a successful Godman. Under politics, nothing less than a Chief Minister, a Central Minister and, if you are really Guru-Cool, the Prime Minister, will do. The bigger your following, the bigger the politician who will want to be seen with you. That\u2019s the patronage part. It brings many benefits\u2014free land, tax rebates, non compliance with GST, if you make movies and star in them, they are tax free, there are many others which we will teach you. Now, to attract the largest following, you need to display some divine powers.<\/p>\n Applicant:<\/strong> How do I do that?<\/p>\n Questioner:<\/strong> The Guru-Cool will teach you how to perform miracles. It\u2019s called the laying of hands. You create a healing chamber, you then invite women inside for rejuvenation therapy where you lay your hands on them and tutor them on various positions. It calms down those who are disturbed. We call it Calm-a-Sutra.<\/p>\n Applicant:<\/strong> Sounds intimidating,\u2026 I mean intimate. What if some women object?<\/p>\n Questioner:<\/strong> You adopt them as your daughters. It\u2019s all a fraud of course, but you give them some cool adopted names, like Honeybee or Daddy\u2019s Angel, and they will come around. It\u2019s all part of the religious teachings we impart to impressionable young women to impress them. One crucial lesson we teach here is women\u2019s empowerment, which means you only have female bodyguards, everywhere you go you are surrounded by women, in your private chamber, there are only women, or woman, and you only bond with women. That adds a certain mystique.<\/p>\n