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~By Dilip Bobb

Lawyers are seen as enlightened beings, wise men educated in matters of the law. Their reputation—and therefore the size of the bill they present to clients—depends entirely on their performance in court. America, where law firms pay stupendous salaries to attract the best talent, should have the best and brightest. Alas, that is not the case as the following exchanges in American courts testify. These are actual court proceedings as recorded and published annually. Enjoy!

Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Witness: No.

Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?

Witness: No.

Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?

Witness: No.

Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Witness: No.

Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Lawyer: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated?

Witness: By death.

Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?

Witness: Take a guess.

Lawyer: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Lawyer: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Witness: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

Lawyer: She had three children, right?

Witness: Yes.

Lawyer: How many were boys?

Witness: None.

Lawyer: Were there any girls?

Witness: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

Lawyer: What is your date of birth?

Witness: July 18th.

Lawyer: What year?

Witness: Every year.

Lawyer: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?

Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Lawyer: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

Witness: Oral.

Lawyer: You were there until the time you left, is that true? Can you describe the individual?

Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Lawyer: Was this a male, or a female?

Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

Witness:  All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

Witness: Yes.

Lawyer: And in what way does it affect your memory?

Witness: I forget.

Lawyer: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

Lawyer: Were you acquainted with the deceased?

Witness: Yes sir

Lawyer: Before or after his death?

Lawyer: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?

Witness: She is my daughter.

Lawyer: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Lawyer: Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man—

Witness: Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.

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